Couple of Keys

I’ve always tried to live by the philosophy of listening more than you’re heard. Mostly that comes from always feeling like whatever I had to contribute to a conversation wasn’t worthy of said conversation. Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth.. and well, you know.

Lately, I’ve found myself speaking. Too much. Having an opinion about things I have no business having an opinion on. Being harsh with my opinions in the name of ‘helping them out.’ I’m showing them the light, you see. I’ve also been reading, on the internet. The internet makes you feel like you know everything. Spoiler alert: you don’t. I don’t. I actually know very little. A lot of that regret I spoke about on the last post stems from being in situations where I can’t seem to shut up lately. Namely when I’ve been drinking.

Now I’ve never been shy about my drinking, but I almost feel like there’s a misconception about how much I actually drink. I’m going to say it happens.. twice a month on average. With the occasional week night wine glass if work has been particularly stressful. Not bad right? Yea. A few years back, I remember sitting in a friend’s living room having a conversation with a someone who wasn’t nearly as intoxicated as I was. At one point I started rambling about absolutely nothing but doing it with such fervor that it was completely embarrassing. I could see it in her eyes, she wanted to stop me but couldn’t. In my head I could see what was happening, telling myself to just shut up. Did I? Of course not. Now, when the other person is just as hammered as you are? Magical things can happen. If you’re lucky, you don’t notice all the not-nearly-as-hammered people standing all around you. With their judging eyes. Being judgy. Okay, probably not but it totally feels that way. At least it does the next day while I’m nursing my hangover and feeling like a total loser.

These are the things that make want to stop drinking completely. Not the hangovers or the possible health repercussions, no. The embarrassing conversations I have with people who seem to hold their liquor a lot better than I ever will. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “If it makes you feel this way, why do you do it?” Well, it wasn’t always this way. These feelings of inappropriateness are completely new. I guess I keep hoping it’ll go back to the way it was. There are some things about my physical that I’m unhappy with (which I may get into later later) that could be affecting all of this. Looking at pictures the next day basically boils down to counting my flaws and missteps.

It’s all connected. Let’s dig deeper.