That’s how I’m feeling.  I’m not sure if anyone still reads this, I’m too lazy to check stats. But if you happen upon this… can we talk? And by ‘we’ I mean ‘I.’

2013 was eventful, for lack of a better word. I lost my mom. Got engaged. Turned thirty. All in one year. One would expect to have some feelings about such a year, but I can’t seem to find my feelings. Except for one, regret. About absolutely everything.

Let me rewind.

I’m an only child. Spoiled rotten by the most amazing single mother I daughter could ever wish for. I’ve always had the luxury of being a little selfish. I don’t see anything wrong with it really. I understand that the beauty of being unselfish is incomparable. But I truly believe you have to be whole in order to freely give of yourself to others. Being whole means taking care of you, even if its only ever so often. I embrace saying no, being alone, sleeping in, etc et al. After mom passed, I found myself wondering if I’m a little too selfish. Wondering if, at 30, I should stop worrying so much about myself.

They say when a child loses a parent they become more aware of their mortality and this could not be truer for me. Suddenly I can’t seem to keep up. The future jumps from being full of possibility to a scary unknown that will only inevitably lead to death. Maybe it’s because I’ve had to deal with death recently. It’s not really a scary concept for me, in terms of my own death anyway. All I really worry about these days is getting shit done before it happens. I feel like I’m running out of time to do whatever the fuck I’m supposed to do with my life.

I’ve also been regretting my financial decisions, partying, drinking… basically anything that involves having fun (for me). An overwhelming sense of guilt I can’t wash off me for days and weeks afterward. My patience is at an all time low, if there’s even a chance that I might get frustrated around you I won’t even bother trying. I’ll stay home, do nothing. Sink into an endless deluge of TV marathons. Self loathing and pity parties are my thing now. Party of one, solo dolo.

I’ve been diagnosed with depression in the past, had to be medicated, see a shrink.. the whole shebang. This… is not that. I promise I’m not lying to myself about that. I guess I’m just now realizing that I don’t know what my purpose is yet. What am I working towards? So I have a passion and my passion should lead to my purpose, but I’ve had this passion for over half my life. Where the fuck is my purpose?! I haven’t felt challenged professionally in a while either. That’s my own fault. I’ve been looking for recognition in places I shouldn’t be. Human nature I suppose and even as I acknowledge it I don’t know that I’ll be able to stop. A part of me has always been an overachiever and being recognized for your efforts is a huge part of that.

I don’t have any resolutions this year. I don’t have a plan for what happens next. I feel completely unprepared for life in my 30s. I have an amazing fiancé I probably don’t deserve. Wait, I’m not sure if I mean that but I’ve just been a really shitty person lately and I don’t know why.  Maybe I’m just completely inside those feelings I can’t seem to find or maybe this is just who I am now? I hope not. Seriously. I don’t like whoever this person is.

Bleh.

Thanks for letting me talk your ear off. Let’s do this again sometime.